Anton Makarenko, one of the greatest educators of the former USSR and of the world (ranked alongside Maria Montessori by UNESCO), sets out in his research a certain number of rules to follow in order to raise a child well.
How it works
A child begins to tell things apart by watching their parents’ facial expressions. To encourage them to repeat a behaviour or an action, you should cuddle them, kiss them, smile at them, stroke their hair, take them in your arms and encourage them.
When they do something wrong, on the other hand, it is enough to frown, to look at them with anger or disapproval, and to tell them gently but firmly that what they have done is wrong. Repeat as many times as it takes for the child to tell the difference between good actions and bad ones.
Anton Makarenko’s golden rules
Your own behaviour shapes your child’s upbringing
Talking to your child won’t raise them properly — not on its own, anyway. Take the line of “do as I say, not as I do”, and you can be sure your child will copy your actions without obeying your words. You shape your children’s upbringing at every moment of your life. The way you speak to people. How you dress. How you behave when you are happy or when you are upset. How you treat your friends and your enemies. How you laugh. When you smile. What you read. All of it shapes your child. Your offspring are aware of your changes of mood. They are aware of your states of mind, even when you imagine they are too young to understand or to realise.
Every parent must understand what they see in their child.
Be honest with yourself and look at the expectations you hold for your child. Avoid seeing in them an extension of yourself, of your relationship or of your love, and grant them the place they deserve as an individual independent of you.
Get to know your child
Where are they? Who are they with? Whose company do they keep? You must grant them the freedom their autonomy requires. That is how they will begin to take responsibility. Your child needs to be exposed to different mindsets, to different people. Your role, then, is to walk alongside them and help them recognise the good and the bad in people or in situations. This natural process of learning about life cannot unfold properly if you keep them in an ivory tower.
Teach them to be organised
Good organisation makes it possible to keep an eye on the various details of life, because great things are achieved by attending to small ones. A good upbringing instils sound management of time and space.
Do not rush to the rescue and do not coddle them too much
Your child needs to learn to overcome challenges on their own. This will allow them to develop resourcefulness and will encourage their spirit of initiative. Obviously, if they are floundering, give them a little nudge. But do not do things in their place. Your child certainly needs your attention, but they also need your trust.
Never put a price on their good results
When your child succeeds at a task, do not buy them presents. Do not give them money. You will turn them into a materialistic person. Teach them to value success for its own sake and not for the gain it will bring. Teach them that your approval and your recognition of the efforts they have made are reward enough. Nor should you overdo the praise; avoid laying it on too thick. In all things, take care to show moderation and restraint.
A child who does not know their own worth will not be capable of love
Love your child. Respect them. That is how they will learn to value themselves and to have healthy self-esteem.
NEVER make your child the centre of your life
This is one of the greatest injustices your love could do them. A child is in no position to understand the meaning of your sacrifices. But by dint of obtaining everything from you, unconditionally, you will turn them into a deeply selfish person who will have no respect for you.
At a glance: the table of golden rules
| Golden rule | In practice |
|---|---|
| Your behaviour shapes their upbringing | Your everyday attitudes (words, dress, mood) educate as much as your instructions. |
| Understand what you see in your child | See them as an independent individual, not an extension of yourself. |
| Get to know your child | Grant them the autonomy they need to take responsibility and discover the world. |
| Teach them to be organised | Attend to details in order to achieve great things; structure time and space. |
| Do not coddle them too much | Let them overcome challenges alone, with a nudge if needed, never in their place. |
| Do not put a price on their results | Value effort through approval, not through money or presents. |
| Nurture their sense of self-worth | Love and respect them so that they learn to value themselves. |
| Never make them the centre of your life | Avoid the unconditional, which would make them selfish and disrespectful. |
