Truth is one of the first things parents want to pass on to their children, instilling from the earliest age, through tales and fables, the principles and values they believe in. But in a child, truth is built at the same time as lying — and understanding that mechanism helps you guide them better.
Why is the truth easier said than done?
We set out to teach children to tell the truth because, past a certain age, they start telling “lies.” A child does not begin to lie by imitation but by denial: from the age of two, this defence mechanism serves to hide a wrong they may have done. At three come the “white lies” — the ability to grasp that kind of lie and to put it into words.
Does the truth come in shades?
A child can leave a truth unsaid for good reasons: you don't wish mummy a happy birthday because a surprise is being prepared, or you smile and accept a gift that missed the mark. These are relational mechanisms that settle in naturally. Guiding the child so that they grasp how complex truth is remains crucial all the same, encouraging them to tell it as often as possible. Children learn to lie as their cognitive and social maturity grows: to tell a truth from a lie, they have to understand that there are countless people out there, each with their own truths, matching their own values and beliefs. A child should also be able to see that some people can hold mistaken perceptions — a faculty called theory of mind, which starts to develop as early as nursery school and the first years of primary.
How does the truth run through learning to lie?
As theory of mind develops, a child can think and feel what others perceive, and adjust their answers — and so sometimes their lies — accordingly. What looks logical to a child is not necessarily logical to an adult, which is why they struggle to build a convincing lie, above all under a run of questions. Recent research finds that 74% of children end up giving themselves away by accident as the questions go on: 80% of three- and four-year-olds reveal themselves this way, against 70% at five and only 50% at seven — proof that, as they grow, they grasp the link between question, answer and lie.
Lying as a function of communication
The ability to lie is not negative on every count: it feeds a child's communication skills by teaching them to adjust to the person in front of them. It must not grow beyond measure, though: being unable to lie and lying too much are both read as gaps in communication. In the first case the child tends to be introverted and easily frightened; in the second, to turn violent, intolerant, even dangerous.
How do you encourage a child not to lie?
Research carried out with groups of children has brought one essential factor to light: children respond to emotion more than to reason. In one experiment, a first group was told to tell the truth because “it would make the researcher happy”; a second group, because “it is the right thing to do.” The result: 80% of the children in the first group told the truth, against only 40% in the second.
