Before talking about parents, let's start by explaining what makes a person toxic. A toxic person is always afraid of losing the power they hold over others, of no longer having influence over them; they feed on the energy of fragile, vulnerable people, which gives them a feeling of omnipotence. We find it hard to imagine this kind of relationship between parents and their children, and yet it exists. This isn't about putting anyone on trial, simply about drawing attention to unhealthy behaviours — because a toxic parent can stop being one, once they realise the harm they're causing their children.
What is a toxic parent?
The term “toxic parent” came into use in the early 1990s and is now widespread: it has made it possible to put a name to suffering experienced in childhood.
What sets a toxic parent apart is that they aren't invested in their child's development. They often resort to violence, mostly psychological, ranging from humiliation to guilt-tripping, with no regard for the impact this will have on the child's self-esteem — a child who becomes highly dependent on their parents, trapped in anxiety and convinced they're always in the wrong. At that age, parental approval feels like proof of love; its absence, like a denial of one's own worth. A toxic parent may also resort to physical violence and verbal abuse.
“A toxic parent is one who has been domineering, critical, contemptuous, manipulative, or simply checked out and incapable of offering their child any support at all. These parents aren't necessarily guilty of abuse or sexual abuse.” — Béatrice Voirin, psychotherapist
What are the warning signs?
The most obvious forms of ‘toxicity’ are physical violence and abuse stemming from any kind of addiction. There are also signs of mistreatment that leave no physical trace: verbal violence, humiliating remarks, never praising the child's achievements, never encouraging their progress, comparing them to other children their age to belittle them, forgetting their birthday, terrorising them, smothering them, not letting them thrive or pursue an activity they enjoy, or even stealing their childhood by giving them responsibilities too early or burdening them with the parent's own adult problems. The parent thus offloads their role and shifts it onto the child. No parent feeds their child food that harms their health — yet the toxicity we're describing here is like a poison administered daily.
Is it possible to break this pattern and become a better parent?
It depends entirely on the parent's capacity for self-examination. First, they need to accept that they're hurting their child, which is no easy thing. Once that hurdle is cleared, it's entirely possible to start working with professionals (psychologists, psychotherapists) to learn to better manage the parent-child relationship, stabilise it, normalise it, and steer it toward something healthier for both.
What's the difference between a toxic parent and a demanding one?
It's not always easy to tell these two traits apart. The child remains the best indicator: when they're happy, thriving, confident, it means things are going well. A child always needs to know the limits their parents set — limits and expectations that can vary from one child to another depending on their character, personality and age.
What advice should you give parents who seem toxic to you?
First, it's important not to judge them: they aren't knowingly harming their children. Then you need to invite them to question themselves, to listen to the younger generation. Nobody's perfect; it's enough to remind them that a good parent makes their child happy, and that they're there to help the child grow into who they are — not who we'd like them to be.
Can you break free from this toxicity?
Awareness is the first step, and it's a hard one. It's important to stay open to and listen to comments from your partner, friends, family, even if they can feel hurtful, and above all to try to let go of the guilt: not telling yourself you're a bad parent, a bad mother. Self-examination, though difficult, is possible. Toxic parents don't always realise they're shifting the blame for their own actions onto the child (‘he never does what he's told, he only does what he wants, he pushes me to the edge’) — but in the end, a child is only a child: it's up to the adult to find the solutions.
Reaction versus anticipation
Even when a child is particularly trying, reacting violently will only amplify their behaviour, and the parent ends up trapped in the toxic cycle they created themselves. Faced with mistreatment, whatever its nature, the child will become even more aggressive, or conversely, withdrawn and resigned. They may also want to please their parents at any cost, and adopt risky or exaggerated behaviours in the hope of getting some sign of encouragement.
Possible solutions
Once the problem is acknowledged, it's important to seek outside support, beyond the circle of loved ones: however well-meaning they are, they tend to judge and drop unfortunate remarks that only deepen the distress of a parent trying to change. Sessions with a neutral professional, one who doesn't shame or moralise, help build a better understanding of harmful behaviours — support that can't be recommended highly enough.
A toxic parent can stop being one, once they realise the harm they're causing their children — awareness is the first step, the hardest one, but always possible.
