Helping Your Children Manage Their Emotions Well

If you want to help your children grow into fulfilled adults, teach them to manage their emotions well and build stronger emotional intelligence. This article breaks down eight concrete levers, from curbing impulsiveness to leading by example every day, to support this learning without ever suppressing what they feel.

Teach them to pause

Children are impulsive by nature, because they don't yet grasp the consequences of their actions. Teach them to master this tendency so it doesn't follow them into adulthood. Impulsiveness can genuinely undermine emotional intelligence. That's why it matters to teach little ones to stop and question the emotions driving them to act. Teach your children to step back. Help them resist the urge to react instantly. Have them pause for a few seconds before responding. For example, you can ask them to breathe in and out slowly five times before reacting, or give them the instruction to look around them (down, right, up, left). Your children will learn to hit pause.

Teach them to talk it through

Our attention is pulled in every direction, and we're all distracted by the constant stream of stimuli around us. Set aside time every day, for at least fifteen days, to talk with your children. Encourage them to express themselves calmly and to listen patiently. Listening is an underrated tool — just like steady breathing. Both can defuse tense moments and turn arguments into real conversations. Can you see what a gift that is to give your child?

Teach your children to recognize their emotions and accept them

Unacknowledged emotions can become a lever for manipulators to pull. The best way to protect your child, then, is to teach them to understand the nature of their emotions and accept them. There's no such thing as a good or a bad emotion. Emotions are thoughts we experience in a given moment. We should teach our children not to identify with them, but to observe them, understand them, and accept them — without judgment, and with tolerance and compassion.

Teach them to bring order to their emotions

When they're young, children don't yet have the words to describe their emotions. They feel them but can't really name them. Offer suggestions and let them work out for themselves what they're feeling.

Lead by example

One of the best ways to teach emotional intelligence to your children is to lead by example. How you handle your own emotions day to day becomes their blueprint. Children watch their parents and draw on their coping skills, for better or worse.

Teach them to consider others

Talk with your children about other people's emotions. In doing so, you'll help them build one of the cornerstones of emotional intelligence: empathy. Ask your child to imagine how someone else feels and to understand their story.

Set limits on behavior, not on emotions

It's not about forbidding your children from feeling an emotion, but rather giving them limits they shouldn't cross. If you notice inappropriate behavior, step in. Take care to show your children that you draw a line between who they are and the emotions they feel. When your child gets angry, stop them from screaming or hitting the wall. Tell them that's not the best way to express their anger.

Encourage them when they show self-control

Emotional learning takes time and patience. When you notice progress in your child, don't hesitate to encourage them. If you see that your child stayed calm when they could easily have been overwhelmed by their emotions, be sure to praise them.

In short, the eight levers at a glance: