Treating other people well isn’t just good for your karma — it’s good for your health and your vitality too. Here’s why kindness is a skill you build, and how to cultivate it every day.
The power of kindness: some explanations
Barbara Fredrickson, PhD in psychology and author of Love 2.0: How Our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do, and Become, explains that micro-moments of connection with other people improve emotional resilience. They strengthen the immune system and reduce vulnerability to depression and anxiety. These micro-moments are simple: an exchanged smile, an expression of care, showing compassion to someone who needs it. According to her, the human psyche needs positive connection just as much as the body needs healthy food.
“Moments of positive emotion function like nutrients for creativity, growth, and health,” she tells us.
And yet, while no one wakes up with the firm intention of cursing at other drivers on the road, yelling at their children, or humiliating their employees, that’s exactly what we all seem capable of as the day wears on and our moods darken.
According to Elisha Goldstein, also a PhD in psychology and author of the book Uncovering Happiness: Overcoming Depression with Mindfulness and Self-Compassion, this behaviour comes down to our brains, which favour fear-based caution over more open, positive behaviour. We’ve built up a kind of defence mechanism to protect ourselves from possible danger, without realising that it pushes our relationships with others further away.
“We live in a kind of fundamental scarcity.” — Kristi Nelson, executive director of Grateful Living, an organization that promotes the practice of gratitude and appreciation
This scarcity sets off a feeling of shortage that tends to run our lives, driving a constant rush, a perpetual hurry that often makes things worse. Everyone worries exclusively about their own comfort, with no time, desire or energy left to worry about anyone else’s well-being — just look at our roads to see it in action. Because of this kind of pressure, the very idea of being kind, of showing interest in others, of being empathetic, passes at best for a luxury and at worst for foolishness. And yet, thinking about others’ needs actually reduces our own worry and anxiety.
In 2013, Barbara Fredrickson ran a six-week study at Chapel Hill, at the University of North Carolina, to test the effects of meditation on stress. Instead of focusing on a mantra, the sound of their breathing, or the sound of a bell, participants were asked to meditate on compassionate thoughts toward themselves and other people, including people they didn’t like. By the end of the six weeks, tests showed an improvement in vagal tone (the vagus nerve regulates digestion and the cardiovascular system), and participants reported an increase in their positive feelings.
With practice, expressing kindness becomes easier: Elisha Goldstein explains that by doing good deeds for others, our mental habits of rigidity and negativity diminish.
Cultivating kindness
Adjust your automatic responses
Stress triggers unpleasant reactions in us. When we give in to them — cursing at a bad driver, snapping at our children, shouting, arguing with the people around us — we end up feeling even worse than before, and our stress grows because we feel guilty about it. To escape these vicious circles, we look for comfort wherever we can find it: overeating, alcohol, cigarettes, chocolate, our smartphone.
It is possible to reshape these automatic responses and build new mental habits. Elisha Goldstein explains that the brain has the ability to switch to autopilot and carry out actions based on habits we’ve formed. Once you’re aware that you want to become kinder, you can adopt certain practices that gradually build more kindness into your life.
When you feel irritation rising, try redirecting your mind: don’t try to force kindness right away — instead, move if you can, or breathe if you can’t. Focus for a few seconds on the air you’re breathing in, hold your breath, then breathe out slowly while thinking only of that movement — until you feel better, and then good.
Place your hand on your heart
This method is so simple it’s hard to believe it actually works. Placing your hand on your heart generates a feeling of compassion and empathy with astonishing efficiency. That’s the claim of Kristin Neff, PhD, professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas, author of the book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. We are, physiologically, wired to recognise this gesture as an act of self-soothing.
“At first, this practice can feel strange. But our mammalian system responds immediately to this simple touch. You start using a warmer, gentler tone with yourself and with others.” — says Kristin Neff.
Shift your focus to what’s working
Try, as much as you can, to cultivate a feeling of contentment. We all go through hard patches, each with our own doubts and fears, whatever the issue may be. Take a step back and think of a few positive things in your life: sometimes, you can practise kindness simply by pausing for a moment and becoming aware of what you already have — being in good health, being loved, having warm clothes for winter, air conditioning in summer, clean drinking water every day, and even the ability to read these words.
Remember the difference between obligations and opportunities
“We’re so caught up in our obligations that we end up treating people like obstacles standing in our way, or as a means to an end.” — Fredrickson
And yet, communicating and interacting with another person is an experience worth cherishing, worth sharing, one where real bonds can form. Being able to live each moment gently, and give it the time it deserves to be lived, can have profound and undeniable effects. Instead of thinking about what comes next, it’s better to live in the present moment and truly listen — the people around us feel the difference, and it leads them to do the same for us.
“When we are truly present, we inspire other people to be present for us in return.” — adds Goldstein.
Respect the people you help
Helping others is a noble act, but how you do it matters just as much: the act is generous and magnanimous, but it can quickly turn into charity that puts you above the person you're helping.
“Humility is the key ingredient of kindness. If you do a charitable act while picturing yourself as better than others, then you’d be better off doing nothing at all.”
Act toward others, and treat them, as your equals — don’t position yourself as superior to them simply because you’re able to do for them what they can’t do for themselves. Remember: as you give, you’re also receiving, at the very same time.
Start at home
Various studies show that we’re more inclined to be pleasant with strangers than with the people who share our daily lives. Yet it would only be fair for the people who live with us to also benefit from our most cheerful side: they deserve our kindness just as much as anyone else, even if they’re more likely to annoy us, bore us, or be short with us. Rising to that challenge is truly a form of growth.
Remember: kindness is a practice, not a project
Practising kindness is a pursuit where challenges are inevitable: there will always be someone to annoy you in traffic, always some gossip, always some form of unkindness. There’s nothing to be done about it, and that’s all right — it’s better to picture yourself carrying out a playful project, trying to reprogram yourself, becoming a better version of yourself. It calls for a certain amount of flexibility.
If you notice yourself becoming too on edge, that’s a sign you’re on the wrong path: stop for a moment, take stock, and choose a different route. Kindness isn’t an accomplishment, it’s a path you walk — a road, not a destination. You can never fully arrive at Kindness with a capital K, which is an ideal; you can only practise kindness, and hope to practise more of it. It’s an endless fresh start, one that reminds us of our human condition and our small place in the world.
“Kindness isn’t an accomplishment, it’s a path you walk. You can never fully arrive at Kindness with a capital K, which is an ideal; you can only practise kindness, and hope to practise more of it.”
