Love fascinates as much as it intrigues. We all know what it is, yet we struggle to put it into words. This abstraction perhaps stems from our uniqueness. Love, after all, is not conceived in the mind alone. It is lived, felt and experienced. If the act of loving is common to us all, the way we perceive it is ours alone. Love proves both complex and beautiful. It can be sparked deliberately, nurtured with care and, sadly, allowed to die through neglect.
Sparking love: Dr Aron's scientific method
Love is not merely a spark that flares up by chance. It can also be deliberately brought about. According to Dr Aron's famous experiment, it is possible to create a real and profound feeling of love by following a precise protocol: two people, 36 questions exchanged, four minutes of gazing into each other's eyes. And the magic happens.
The success of this approach lies in the progressive nature of the suggested questions. The intensity of the confidences shared, and of each person's perception of the other's positive qualities, steadily deepens. This experiment shows how relatively easy it is to build trust and intimacy, two essential ingredients for love to flourish.
The exercise acts as an accelerator of intimacy. Even so, no one falls in love by chance. Romantic feeling arises when a person shows a certain readiness for it. The participants recognise that an opportunity is present and consciously decide to seize it or let it slip away.
During these shared moments of intimacy, the brain releases oxytocin, a hormone triggered by passionate love. This hormone is responsible for the feeling of attachment we experience towards one another.
That said, Dr Aron's method is not infallible. Care must be taken not to force intimacy. Baring your heart to someone who likes to take their time, or who refuses immediate closeness, is entirely pointless. You first need to be sure that both people want to let themselves be drawn into the game of seduction.
Nurturing love: sorting truth from myth
Entering a relationship is the natural progression of a romantic feeling coming into bloom. It means embarking on an adventure centred on two main protagonists and all their satellites: parents, siblings, friends, neighbours.
To guide us, we often turn to the wisdom of those around us. Yet certain received ideas deserve to be questioned.
When you love, you share everything
Only under certain conditions
Love turns two people into kindred spirits. Each makes the other the centre around which they orbit. And so two whole individuals end up becoming one. Rarely, though, does this lead to complete fusion.
To protect your relationship, it matters to keep your own little interests. There is no need to go with him to every beautician's appointment or to share every outing with friends. As Saint-Exupéry elegantly put it: "Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."
Time will sort everything out in the end
Rather false
Time is a factor to be wary of. We never perceive it the same way twice. Some minutes stretch on for hours, while others burn away in a fraction of a second.
Giving time its due means being patient, without simply letting time take its course. Such an attitude risks giving way to anger, breeding misunderstanding and, in the end, indifference.
Time is useful when you overlook a passing mood or cope with a one-off practical difficulty. But you must never let a misunderstanding take hold. In a relationship, you have to learn to tell accidental behaviour apart from behaviour that reveals genuine flaws.
When you love, you are faithful
Not really
In the equation of life as a couple, love does not necessarily equal fidelity. Unlike the beautiful stories we gorge ourselves on, real life is made up of love but also of instincts and impulses.
Life brings us into contact with people of differing temperaments. Time leaves its mark on couples, and each partner perceives it differently. Sometimes one of the two feels the need for a breath of air without actually casting off.
Love often remains very much alive, even when it is tucked away in a corner of one's mind. It would be wise, however, not to dwell on this point, so as not to fuel suspicion and jealousy.
Good sexual harmony guarantees a solid relationship
Not always true
A fulfilling sex life is one of the pillars of a couple's harmony, but not the only one. Good sexual harmony is not enough on its own to keep a relationship healthy. A non-existent sexual harmony, on the other hand, deals a fatal blow to life together.
Tiredness, stress, illness, the arrival of children or growing older often disturb the closeness in bed. If this happens, try to talk about it to understand what is no longer working. If need be, turn to a specialist.
You should avoid arguments
False
Arguments are not only inevitable, they are part of normal life. Were they never to happen, there would be cause for concern, as this can signal distance or indifference.
Every individual has their own world, their own personality and their own habits. The eruption of arguments is necessary to the building of a couple and to each person's self-assertion. What matters is not avoiding conflict, but knowing how to handle it and learning to resolve it.
Hide nothing from each other
Not quite true
Truth at any cost is not necessarily a good thing. Being honest lets you live your relationship in a healthy way. In a couple, the adage "if speech is golden, silence is silver" still holds very true.
Keeping your own little secret garden does not mean being secretive. Preserving your own space helps you avoid alienation.
In brief: received ideas about relationships, true or false
| Received idea | Verdict |
|---|---|
| When you love, you share everything | Only under certain conditions |
| Time will sort everything out in the end | Rather false |
| When you love, you are faithful | Not really |
| Good sexual harmony guarantees a solid relationship | Not always true |
| You should avoid arguments | False |
| Hide nothing from each other | Not quite true |
How to kill love in the bud
Each of us has, at one time or another, had a friend complaining about her partner. A perfect relationship is suspect, and little tiffs are proof of a couple's good health.
You have no doubt heard remarks along these lines: "Maybe if I change my wardrobe, he'll find me prettier" or "I'll watch a football match and he'll see how much we have in common".
Then one day, this dear friend finds herself heartbroken. We listen to her recount all her efforts to make it "work" and conclude that all men are fools.
Where are you in all this
The real question is this: "Where are you in all this?" When you give more weight to the other person's perception than to your own, things eventually start to sour.
The day you feel the need to change who you are to please someone else is precisely the day it would be healthy to realise how far you are the author of your own unhappiness.
The need to be liked is human and natural. Feeling appreciated is pleasant. Contriving to please, on the other hand, is anything but spontaneous and amounts to a form of violence against oneself.
Changing to please him
He cannot love everything about you, and that is normal, since no one is perfect. If you want to change something, do it because you hope to grow.
In our modern culture, the boundaries between fiction and reality blur. We are fed an imaginary romanticism that gives us a mistaken understanding of how relationships actually work.
Changing to please him is no guarantee that he will appreciate you more if he does not already appreciate you as you are. We are not chameleons. Our beauty lies in our imperfections.
I need him
The dependency we feel, and the behaviours that flow from it, are the worst thing we inflict on ourselves. How can we please others if we do not know how to please ourselves?
Unless your partner is a narcissist, no one can define themselves by what the other would like them to be. If you carry on down this path, you are weaving a spider's web rather than a relationship. He will end up feeling trapped and stifled.
Love: an art of living to be cultivated
Love proves both complex and beautiful. It can be sparked deliberately, nurtured with care and, sadly, allowed to die through neglect. Understanding how it works helps us live it more fully and preserve it.
In the end, loving authentically begins with loving yourself. It is by staying true to who we are that we naturally draw genuine love towards us.
