Can you really spark love in under two hours? Psychologist Arthur Aron says yes, with his famous 36 questions. This groundbreaking experiment shows that it's possible to build a deep, authentic connection between two people through a very precise protocol.
The experiment that revolutionised the psychology of love
Dr. Arthur Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook University, developed this method to study how intimate bonds form. His protocol is simple: two people ask each other 36 questions, split into three sets of rising intensity, then stare into each other's eyes for four minutes.
The results are astonishing. Many participants report an instant, deep connection. Some have even married after the experience, as was the case for Mandy Len Catron, who popularised the method in the New York Times.
How Dr. Aron's questions work
The principle of progressive intimacy
Dr. Aron's 36 questions follow a meticulously designed psychological progression. They start with light topics and gradually move towards more personal confidences. This rising intensity quickly builds a climate of mutual trust.
The release of oxytocin
During this intimate exchange, the brain releases oxytocin, nicknamed "the love hormone". This natural chemical fosters attachment and strengthens the sense of connection between the two people.
Dr. Aron's complete 36 questions
The full protocol unfolds in three sets of twelve questions each, of rising intensity:
| Set | Questions | Theme | Number of questions |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 1 to 12 | Getting acquainted | 12 |
| 2 | 13 to 24 | Deepening the connection | 12 |
| 3 | 25 to 36 | Building intimacy | 12 |
First set: getting acquainted
These first questions break the ice while revealing personal details:
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were granted a life of 90 years and, from the age of 30 on, you had to choose between keeping your physical health or your mental health for the next 60 years, which would you choose to keep?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Second set: deepening the connection
This series explores values, dreams and defining experiences:
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Talk with the person facing you about one of their qualities you admire most. Then, among their qualities, name five of them.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Third set: building intimacy
These final questions call for maximum vulnerability:
25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."
26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you already like about them.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
34. Imagine that everything you own is inside a house that catches fire. You are able to save every member of your family, and you have time to take just one single thing. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
The final gaze: four minutes that change everything
After answering the 36 questions comes the crucial step: staring into each other's eyes for four minutes without speaking. This shared moment of silence helps cement the connection built through the earlier exchanges.
This final phase further boosts oxytocin production and creates a deep sense of intimacy. Many participants describe it as a transformative moment.
Tips for making the 36-questions experiment work
Choosing the right partner
The experiment works best with someone you already feel at least a little drawn to and who is open to the exercise. Forcing intimacy on a reluctant person tends to backfire.
Creating the ideal setting
Find a quiet, comfortable place where you won't be disturbed. Turn off your phones and set aside at least two hours for the full exercise.
Being authentic
Sincerity is the key to success. The more vulnerable and honest you are, the stronger the connection will be. Don't be afraid to share your true feelings.
The limits of Dr. Aron's method
Groundbreaking as it is, this experiment is no miracle solution. It can spark love under favourable conditions, but it doesn't guarantee it will last. Love also requires time, mutual effort and long-term compatibility.
What's more, some people may feel uncomfortable with this level of instant intimacy. It's important to respect everyone's limits and not force the process.
Testimonials: when the 36 questions transform lives
Many couples attest to the effectiveness of this method. Mandy Len Catron, who wrote the viral New York Times article, describes how these questions deepened her existing relationship and built a solid foundation for her couple.
Other participants report discovering unsuspected sides of their partner, even after years together. The exercise can thus rekindle the spark in an established couple.
Modern variations on Dr. Aron's questions
Some couples therapists have adapted the original method to suit modern relationships. They sometimes offer lighter versions with fewer questions, or variants specifically designed for couples going through a rough patch.
Mobile apps have also sprung up, offering the questions in an interactive format. Even so, nothing replaces the genuine face-to-face experience.
Conclusion: can love really be born from 36 questions?
Dr. Aron's 36 questions prove that love is not purely a matter of chance. It can be consciously cultivated through shared intimacy and mutual vulnerability.
This groundbreaking experiment teaches us that deep human connection rests on our capacity to open up to another person. By daring to be vulnerable, we create the conditions in which love can flourish.
So, are you ready to try the experiment? These 36 questions might just change the way you see love, and transform your love life.
