Some disparage Valentine's Day, seen as imported, purely commercial, even pointless! Everyone is free to embrace it, celebrate it, give gifts, or not. But beyond this controversy, what remains essential is the couple and the noble, universal feeling that underlies it: love. A thriving couple isn't built alone: it requires accepting that traditional roles and reference points have shattered, navigating different expectations depending on gender, and learning to read crises as messages to interpret rather than threats to flee.
The Shifts in Contemporary Society
In this respect, we live in a society undergoing significant change. The traditional model — where reason took precedence over feeling within the couple, and roles were clearly divided by a shared set of beliefs — has been swept away.
Fueled by women's emancipation and consumer society, this shift has not only opened the door to love but has also upended the roles partners play. That fundamental break with old certainties is still difficult to accept.
Individualism Versus the Thriving Couple
Regardless of a person's sex, attention is increasingly focused on self-fulfillment and personal growth. As a result, the ability to change, to evolve according to ambitions often tied to one's professional life, becomes a priority.
In this context, the social institution that often pays the price remains the couple. The notions of sacrifice and consensus, once taken for granted, are now heavy to accept and to live with.
How can a couple hold together when each partner is seeking their own personal fulfillment? How do you juggle three timeframes: taking the past into account with its wounds, managing the present with its daily demands, and betting on the future?
The couple represents both a place of stability and a place of change. This paradoxical mission requires both partners to commit to building their happiness together.
A Thriving Couple Takes Work
A "successful" couple doesn't just happen on its own. Some couples appear to stay on track effortlessly. Others, more chaotic, seem to enjoy moments of calm only after endless clarifying discussions, sacrifices, and consensus.
It's true that when partners share the same beliefs and values (the importance of family, respect for the other's freedom, personal fulfillment, raising children), the task becomes easier.
A paradox lies at the heart of this difficulty. We venture into building the foundation of the family unit, a vehicle for values and upbringing, presumed to ensure psychological and material stability. Yet nothing and no one prepares us for it.
Everyone improvises as a couple-builder, with only the model of their parents and other loved ones as baggage. In relation to these models, they will act either by imitation, in cases of admiration, or by contrast, in cases of rejection.
Different Expectations Depending on Gender
Culturally, when it comes to the couple, men and women don't have the same expectations. Even though relations between the sexes have evolved a great deal, traces of this still remain.
For a woman, forming a couple and then a family often represents a goal in itself. Women's expectations focus more on the marital and family relationship. Men, for their part, usually expect less from it. This relationship serves as a springboard for them to face their outside professional life. For them, the couple represents, in a way, a "warrior's rest".
Understanding Crises for a Thriving Couple
The first crisis occurs when each partner tries, in a way, to "take their marbles back," to become themselves again. The question that arises then can be put this way: "what kind of person do I want to be in this couple, what kind of person do I want to be in life, and how do I reconcile the two?"
The first crises, though often poorly experienced, are nevertheless precious. Like the fever that signals the presence of an illness in the body, they represent an alarm signal that simply needs to be deciphered.
There is no couple without crises. In fact, a couple that goes through no crisis at all is the one to worry about. One must then be able to interpret a partner's dissatisfaction and see that, beyond their words and complaints, they may be clumsily expressing a request for change.
Decoding Hidden Messages
What can be perceived and felt as destructive turns out to be a "lifeline" extended to us to improve the relationship. Ordinary sentences like "you're never available for me! You spend most of your time at work, you come home exhausted, you're neglecting your home!" might instinctively come across as reproaches.
Beyond the surface meaning, we can decipher a call for closeness from the partner. A warning that could be an opportunity to establish communication and take stock of certain aspects of life as a couple.
The hidden message seems to be: "I miss you, I need you, please try from now on to reduce your workload outside the home. If you clearly ask me to do certain tasks at home, I'll be happy to do them."
Fusion or Autonomy: Finding the Right Balance
In its early days, the couple was not, in reality, a couple, but a fusion. There weren't two people, but a hybrid being with four arms, four legs, and one head.
Some couples remain in this pattern. The partners define themselves only by reference to the couple. These are fusional couples, whose formula would be 1+1=1.
Since each person's autonomy remains a fundamental dimension of the relationship, there is a model of couple that allows each partner to continue existing with their own needs, desires, and demands. This is the "interlocking" couple. It follows the formula 1+1=3.
The couple becomes the third character, gradually enriched by each partner's personality, yet remaining distinct from the people who make it up.
| Couple model | Formula | What characterizes it |
|---|---|---|
| Fusional couple | 1+1=1 | The partners define themselves only by reference to the couple. |
| Interlocking couple | 1+1=3 | Each partner continues to exist with their own needs, desires, and demands; the couple becomes a "third character," distinct from the two people who make it up. |
Conclusion: Love Is Worth Investing In
Love and the couple, whatever the couple's form and the partners' age, are precious. Like anything precious, they must be cared for, whether individually or with outside help.
Because it's precious, that constant adjustment is — and will remain — effort always worth making. Happy holiday, and good work!
