Stress, depression, shaky self-confidence: each one stands in the way of real “contact” with another person. But the true love-killer lies elsewhere — trying to change your partner instead of accepting him as he is. Here is what destroys a relationship, and what can lift it instead.
What sends a love story into decline?
If you are stressed, low, unsure of yourself, you will struggle to be loved by someone else while you are unable to love yourself. But the true love-killer is trying to change your partner when the thing to do is accept him as he is. According to The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver, most marital arguments are never resolved: husband and wife try to change each other, year after year, and never manage it. Why? Because these disagreements come most often from fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality or values. Arguing about them only wastes time and damages the relationship.
What destroys a relationship
Criticism
Complaining is fair enough; criticism is broader — it goes after the person rather than the behaviour.
Contempt
Insults, pulled faces, coldness or aggression: contempt is generally the worst thing that can harm a relationship. Someone who shows contempt is passing on their disgust with the other, which makes resolving conflict all but impossible.
Defensiveness
This is a way of shifting the blame onto your partner: “It's not my fault, you started it.” As a rule it only inflames a situation that was already tense.
Stonewalling
Turning your back, cutting the conversation short, walking out: this behaviour does not end the conflict, it disengages the person emotionally from the relationship.
What improves a relationship
According to Dr Aron, this is not a question of compatibility: improving the relationship often rests on one partner alone.
- Where there are personal problems — depression, anger, anxiety — seeing a specialist remains the best way to treat the relationship too.
- A relationship stops being fun when you stop making the effort to keep it that way. Once the novelty of the early days has passed, exciting elements have to be brought back in, with your partner involved.
- Become your partner's greatest fan and celebrate his successes: standing by him through the hard moments keeps things from getting worse, and celebrating what he achieves lifts the relationship a notch.
- Say thank you — not only for the relationship, but for a happy life in general.
What to take away
- As far as the brain is concerned, love runs through the same circuits as money or certain substances, and it can last a long time if you know how to go about it.
- To be genuinely attractive, play on what you have in common while showing that you keep your standards.
- A first date that works gives off positive energy: talk about yourself while showing real interest in the other person.
- Relationships are damaged more by individual problems than by questions of compatibility.
- You improve your relationship by working on your own difficulties, by sharing activities, by celebrating the other's successes and by saying thank you.
A little bonus test
Hindy, Schwartz and Brodsky (1989) offer a short version of the passionate love scale of Hatfield and Sprecher (1986). Thinking of the person you are in love with, or the last person you loved, rate each statement from 1 (not at all) to 9 (completely):
- I would be deeply in despair if … left me.
- Sometimes I feel I can't control my thoughts; they are all about …
- I feel happy when I do something that makes … happy.
- I would rather be with … than with anyone else.
- I feel jealous at the thought that … could fall in love with someone else.
- I long to know everything about …
- I want … on every level — physical, emotional, mental.
- My appetite for …'s affection knows no limit.
- For me, … is the ideal romantic partner.
- When … touches me, I feel my body answer.
- … is constantly on my mind.
- I want … to know everything about me: my thoughts, my fears, my hopes.
- I look eagerly for signs that … wants me.
- I am powerfully drawn to …
- I get extremely low when things go badly with …
The higher your score, the more passionate the love you are living, or have lived.
