Lack of self-esteem, emotional insecurity, family trauma: the causes of jealousy are many, and its effects on the couple are very real. Understanding where it comes from is the first step towards no longer letting it invade the relationship.
What are the main causes of jealousy?
Possessiveness
“You’re mine!” This obsession with possessing the other, with seeing them as personal property, leads to refusing any contact with a third party for fear that they might seduce one’s partner. The person then lives in fear of losing what they believe they own.
Lack of self-esteem
Not feeling “enough” for the other — attractive enough, good enough — feeds the obsessive idea that one’s partner could be drawn elsewhere.
The lack of love felt
When the loved one turns indifferent and affection seems to flow one way only, the one in love feels rejected — and that felt lack of love can turn into jealousy.
Family trauma
Having lived through a betrayal within one’s own family — a parent who abandons the other — can leave a lasting mark on the way one sees fidelity, in girls as much as in boys.
Projecting a desire to betray
Someone who brings tension into the couple through illusory suspicions is sometimes projecting onto the other a betrayal they themselves would be tempted to commit.
What effects does jealousy have on the couple?
In moderation, jealousy can be experienced as proof of love and attachment: the fear of losing the other spices up the relationship a little without harming it. But as soon as anger and anxiety get involved, the couple’s survival is in danger.
The jealous person can end up trapped in their suspicions, harassing their partner psychologically — even physically — without always realising it: repeated questions (“Where were you? Who with?”), monitoring their phone or social accounts, going through their belongings. This psychological harassment can tip over into physical harassment, making the situation intolerable for the other — to the point of driving them to flee the relationship, a pattern close to the one described in our article on emotional dependency in a relationship.
