Parental burnout is neither simple exhaustion nor depression: it’s an identified syndrome with three precise symptoms, including physical and psychological exhaustion tied to the role of being a parent. Both mothers and fathers can experience it, even though it isn’t, as yet, a recognised psychiatric diagnosis.
So what exactly is parental burnout?
You're not a bad mother or a bad father because you're exhausted: you're going through a syndrome we've finally learned to name, not a fault of your own making.
Parental exhaustion is more than just a rough patch. Suzanne Vallières distinguishes it both from the low spirits that follow a birth and from the depression that can accompany childbirth, and she describes it as a syndrome that unfolds in stages. What defines it is the simultaneous presence of three very specific symptoms, including exhaustion that is both physical and psychological, directly tied to the role of being a parent. The wording is chosen carefully: it’s about the role of parent, for mothers and fathers alike. If you recognise yourself in this description, know that it isn’t a lack of willpower: it’s an identified syndrome, with symptoms of its own.
This isn’t a new affliction, even though it has regularly made headlines in recent years, in Quebec and elsewhere: we’ve simply found the words, at last, to name an exhaustion that parents were already living with, long before anyone talked about it.
Burnout, baby blues, postpartum depression: how do you tell them apart?
It’s easy to lump parental burnout, baby blues and postpartum depression together, yet they’re three quite distinct realities. Suzanne Vallières has studied parental exhaustion closely: she distinguishes it precisely from the low spirits that follow a birth, as well as from the depression that can accompany childbirth, and she describes its stages. Whichever of these states someone is going through, they often feel, on top of it, ashamed to talk about it.
A reassuring word before we go any further: as Vallières herself points out, parental burnout isn’t, as yet, a recognised psychiatric diagnosis. It isn’t a label being pinned on you; it’s a name given to a very real exhaustion, one we acknowledge in order to take it seriously, without dramatising and without judging yourself.
Where does the trap of the perfect parent come from?
Where does this pressure to never fail come from? It starts with our own standards, the ones we set for ourselves without even realising it. But it’s also fed by outside messages that shape the image of the perfect parent we end up measuring ourselves against. Isabelle Filliozat describes this tipping point well. A parent who doesn’t recognise their own emotions or their own needs ends up, without meaning to, feeling as though they’re in competition with their child.
Fortunately, that ideal can be loosened. Suzanne Vallières offers several concrete levers: letting go, abdominal breathing, renewed attention to sleep, and giving up exaggerated threats, which end up undermining your credibility as a parent as much as your relationship with your child.
Where do you actually start, to catch your breath?
Before trying to change everything, start small. Learning to say no is one of the most powerful things you can do: turning down one invitation too many, or a task that can wait, without beating yourself up over it. Take a fresh look at your day too: notice what could be simplified, and let go of the tasks that no longer serve any purpose.
No one can do it all alone, and no one has to: delegating isn't an admission of weakness. Hiring a nanny for a few hours a week, swapping childcare with a friend, or asking your partner to take the children to the park while you catch your breath: it all counts. The domestic workload can be shared, even if that's not always the habit: equality matters at home too. Marlène Schiappa, drawing on six years with the association Maman travaille, has gathered nearly two hundred tips of this kind for balancing professional and family life.
You’re not a bad mother or a bad father because you’re exhausted: you’re going through a syndrome we’ve finally learned to name, not a fault of your own making. Admitting this to yourself already loosens the grip of the perfect-parent ideal that Isabelle Filliozat describes, and lets you welcome your own emotions without shame, as Suzanne Vallières encourages. There’s no magic recipe for the exhaustion of raising a child, but there is a simple, soothing truth: asking for help, giving yourself a break, recognising your limits is continuing to love your family with a little more honesty.
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